How to sabotage your race results: Part 1 – Training

My friend, Running Lonely, and I were recently discussing the ways in which runners (OK….WE) sabotage our races.  While I am more adept at killing my race during training, M has more patience and is able to wait until race day to do all his damage.  So we started thinking that maybe we should share our insights so that newbie runners (all runners, really) can learn from our mistakes.  (We fully realize newbie runners probably won’t learn from our mistakes, because, let’s face it: they are like teenagers who just got a driver’s license and they know more than we do.)    Part 2 will be posted tomorrow on Running Lonely’s Blog.

  1. Training pace:
    1. Never listen to the “experts” who want you to pace long runs at 1-2 min slower than your realistic race pace; instead pace all your runs at (desired race pace – :30).
    2. Why train at all? It’s SO time consuming, especially for distances over 13.1.  Just show up at the start line on race day.
    3. Drink 5 Monsters before your run. The caffeine will help you maintain your pace.  Take it from me – even GU Roctane is weak where caffeine is concerned.
  2. Strength training:
    1. Do not strength train.   Every moment spent strength training is a moment of running lost.
    2. Do you even need upper body strength anyway? Have you ever stopped for pull-ups during a marathon?  I rest my case.
    3. Forget the squats. It isn’t all about that base.  The Kim Kardashian trend will change and you will be ready and waiting with your tiny ass.
  3. Training plan:
    1. Write your own training plan….because running coaches clearly don’t understand your need for runs with “badassery”.
    2. Use the “more must be better” method: pick a training plan, but double everything.
    3. Find a training plan that best suits you. Then put each run on a sheet of paper, throw it all in a hat and each day draw a piece of paper from the hat and that will be your run.
  4. Rest:
    1. Clearly rest is for the weak, so any rest days are to be discouraged…unless you want your Twitter followers to secretly laugh at you.
    2. Take “accumulated fatigue” to an entirely new level and run twice per day – every day.
    3. Pulling an all-night GOT-watching marathon is encouraged the night before your long run.
  5. Self-massage:
    1. Don’t drink the foam rolling Kool-Aid. The “experts” are merely marketing geniuses trying to sell foam rollers.  Clearly they are getting a kick-back from foam roller sales.  Have you seen the prices of those things?
    2. Have you ever wondered HOW foam rolling can be beneficial? WHY would you want to feel like a hot dog at 7-Eleven?
    3. Foam rolling is clearly a form of masochism. Unless you want to be lumped in with Christian Grey, it should be avoided at all costs.  (OK….I know some of you like the sound of this one…..if you are one of those people, use a Theracane instead.)

      Marsden SWEARS this is actually works.  Looks more like a medieval torture device to me.
      Marsden SWEARS this is actually works. Looks more like a medieval torture device to me.
  6. Fueling your runs:
    1. Cadbury eggs make the best run fuel. Canadians will tell you to use maple syrup but I find it difficult to carry the container on runs.
    2. Spicy thai food before your long run will help your stomach adjust to the rigors a marathon puts your digestive system through.
    3. Forget run fuel. Your body needs to learn to burn fat as a fuel source.  Plus, without fuel you can experience hitting the wall on every run, which will prepare you for the inevitable on race day.
  7. Listening to your body:
    1. KT Tape fixes EVERYTHING.
    2. Drinking beer every mile will not only serve as fuel with the perfect carb:protein ratio, once you get to mile 10 you won’t care that your ITB is giving you fits and your knee is screaming.
    3. If you feel you may have injured yourself, DO NOT SEEK MEDICAL TREATMENT! Do not stop running. First, consult Twitter.  If you can’t find diagnosis and rehab on there, then Google should be able to solve the problem.
  8. Tapering
    1. If tapering is so good for you, why are we not doing it all the time?
    2. Taper spelled backwards is Repat, which is basically Repeat, which means you should repeat your hardest runs.
    3. You carb load during taper, why aren’t you run loading?

Hopefully these tips from #teamsabotage will help keep you running strong.  Or not.



3 thoughts on “How to sabotage your race results: Part 1 – Training

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