Northeast Texas Trail FKT

“Surround yourself with people who have dreams, desire and ambition; they’ll help you push for and realize your own.”

Friday evening just before 7PM, I left New Boston hoping to finish the 130ish mile trek to Farmersville sooner, rather than later. Greg was in to crew the duration. Kelley was crewing through Saturday afternoon and Bryan McKenney accepted my invitation to pace Friday night. I felt I needed a someone with me during the night hours – safety in numbers.img_5325

I experienced A LOT of anxiety and doubt the 10 days going into this event. I mean, I basically decided to do this a month out and that didn’t provide an optimal time frame for proper training build up. I felt under trained. I knew the trail was gnarly in spots and I wasn’t sure if I could persevere. I didn’t sleep well the entire week before. I worried about starting at 7PM and having to run through two nights. I genuinely doubted my ability to pull it off. I didn’t start this adventure in the right mindset at all.

The first miles were deceptively easy trail, yet they still wore me down quickly. Running on flat land is just HARD. I wasn’t prepared for the difficulty of navigating the obstacles of the meat of this course. The conditions alternated between lakes covering the trail, mud bogs or sections of THICK thigh-high grass/thorny plants/poison ivy and, just for fun, sprinkled in here and there were completely downed or sketch bridges (I CRAWLED over two of them). Every once in a while, the NeTT would give us a peace offering of some runnable terrain.

Bryan hopped in between New Boston and DeKalb and off we went.  The trail basically parallelled the road through this stretch.  Pretty straightforward.  After we left Avery, the trail veered off from the road, so it finally felt like we were on an actual trail.  Be careful what you wish for.  We navigated mud and water covering the trail, which, of course, took more time than we wanted to give. We fell behind schedule then missed a turn to workaround a downed bridge East of Annona, causing us to backtrack. I was already secretly contemplating dropping. My stomach was off, fatigue was already wearing on me and I wasn’t in a good head space. But we marched on.  Between Annona and Clarksville, we trudged through the thickest overgrowth one could imagine.  We tried to run but it was futile, so we ended up hiking.  I had not put on my pants yet and after this section, my legs were trashed from endless cuts from thorny plants.  Bryan and I rolled into Clarksville just after the sun came up.  He got me through the night and headed home for some much needed rest.  I could tell how miserable he felt and I wondered if he would ever speak to me again for getting him into this mess!img_5326

I ran solo from Clarksville to Bagwell. Honestly, I don’t remember much about this section but I’m sure it alternated between tall grass and mud and trail lakes. Greg hopped in to pace from Bagwell to Detroit. Kelly Whitley left a nice, firey treat for me in that stretch and it was a welcomed pick-me-up. I was on my own again from Detroit to Blossom, but the Whitley’s were waiting to cheer me on as I left Detroit. When people take time out of their day to cheer you on, it means SO MUCH. Even with the treats and the visits, the trail was wearing me down and I could overcome the urge to throw in the towel. I admitted to Greg and Kelley in Blossom that I didn’t think I could make it, but they weren’t having ANY talk like that. Deep down, I knew I couldn’t quit, but I longed for the ability to sit as long as I wanted and SLEEP.  So far, the Mother Nature had been kind to me, but the rain had moved in and was getting stronger. Greg paced me from Blossom to Reno but since it was time for Kelley to leave, he sent me on my way and put his crew hat back on. 

I was starting to come around. Running was decent, the stomach was OK, I had a long, easy section of trail, and, most importantly, I was beginning to take back control of my mind. The urge to quit was replaced with the urge to finish. I was running for my crew and pacers now more than I was for myself. I couldn’t let them down. Bryan had already given up a night of his life for this, Greg and Kelley had given up a night and half of a day and I had Brent on deck to pace the second night.  I could not let their sacrifices go to waste.

Bobby was waiting for me with Greg when I got to Paris and I was so happy to see him! It was quite literally a monsoon at this point and I needed to see him at that point. The immediate goal now was to make it to Roxton so that I could pick Brent up for the night hours.

I can’t remember why I had to hop off the trail and take roads out of Paris to get back on the trail, but that’s what Greg said and he always knows. On the way out of Paris, a trail angel named Alice was waiting on me, IN THE POURING RAIN, to cheer me on and take pics and video. Heart of gold.  Her visit was a pick me up, for sure!!

Bobby and Greg were waiting on me just outside of Paris to guide me to where I would get back on the trail. We turned down a county road to head to the trail but there had been so much rain that a low-lying bridge flooding.  Bobby wanted me to hop on his truck to get across, but I couldn’t do that!  I did hold on to the tailgate just in case I lost footing. I was a bit apprehensive about the upcoming trail conditions and hoped that I wouldn’t have any serious water crossings. This was quite literally a flash flood situation.

The trail was definitely WET but luckily had bridges over all the creeks that needed to be crossed. The trail crossed over county roads about every mile through this part and Bobby was waiting there each time to see me onto the other side. I made it to Ambia, which was halfway between Paris and Roxton. Fi, Cathy and Chris were waiting cheer me on and they and brought soup and coffee. It was raining harder than ever now and again the warm kindness of my friends was keeping me in this fight. I was over half-way there and I would be picking up Brent at the next stop in Roxton. I started believing that I might actually pull this thing off! img_5303

I made it to Roxton and another kind stranger was waiting to cheer me on, Dan Lake.  After my little aid station stop, Brent and I took off for Ben Franklin. This section had a workaround so there was quite a bit on road. Then between Ben Franklin and Pecan Gap, we took the Sulphur River Bridge workaround because we both felt conditions were not favorable to cross. On the workaround, we added a runner to our group….a dog that was so excited to discover people running by his house at 2AM. He got on the trail and ran with us all the way to Pecan Gap. Greg occupied the dog with food while Brent and I took off for Ladonia.  I really hope he made it home OK!

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Best 5 minute nap EVER

By the time we got to Ladonia, the sun was coming up. That’s always a boost because you made it through the night. The rains were long gone and the skies were clear. I had the best 5 minute nap of my life in the car and we were on our way to Wolfe City. The only real issue in this stretch was a not-normal skunk that wouldn’t get out of our way and a sketch bridge or two. Bobby and Alli met us in Wolfe City and brought pancakes! It totally hit the spot. And we only had 21 miles to go!!img_5299

Wolfe City to Celeste was a bit hairy. The sun was out and the grass was drying, which made some slithery friends want to come out and get some sun on the trail. We saw at least 5 cottonmouths in a VERY short stretch. I don’t usually get spooked about snakes, but even I was getting a little anxious. A couple of bridges were also pretty sketch in this section, so we didn’t move as quickly as we wanted. (I’m sure you’ve noticed a recurring theme: we NEVER moved as quickly as we wanted.)img_4228

In Celeste, Greg announced that we had 13 miles to go and I HAD NO IDEA I WAS THAT CLOSE! I was seriously in THE BEST MOOD. Ran a couple solid miles then we hit the stupid black land mud bogs. That mud literally SUCKED OUT MY SOUL. I didn’t even think I would be able to make it to Merit, much less the final leg to Farmersville. I couldn’t believe how quickly I went from being on top of the world to feeling like I couldn’t walk another step. Brent wasn’t doing much better than me. But we finally made it to Merit and SIX MILES were all that stood between me and that finish. Bryan and Shellene had come to see the finish and were waiting in Merit….and he was actually speaking to me!  When we left for Farmersville, they even ran with us a bit. I looked up, and there was Pam! She had run from Farmersville to Merit and was going to accompany me to the finish. Brent decided to stay behind since Pam had showed up and off we went.61143611207__3b5e638f-1fd0-42a2-8a4c-80899ef75425

SIX MILES. It seemed like such a short distance yet at the same time it seemed impossible. Pam’s bubbly personality and willingness to talk about anything kept my mind occupied for the first few miles. But the closer we got, the more I wanted to be DONE and I couldn’t keep my mind distracted from that. Bryan and Shellene met us at points where roads intersected the trail and he was letting me know how much farther.  The great thing about this section is that it was completely maintained with pea gravel and concrete closer to Farmersville.  NO MORE MUD.  NO MORE GRASS.  NO MORE TRAIL LAKES.  That six miles felt like forever but it also went by very quickly.img_5294

img_5338As I approached the finish, there was a crowd of my friends cheering me on.  I can’t even describe how touching it was for all of them to come out and support me in this way. I feel incredibly blessed to have such amazing people in my life. 

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Death by 1,000 cuts, but my feet actually held up pretty well
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My People

The FKT was certified and so it is OFFICIAL!  My time was 46:51, much slower than I had hoped, but the trail was much more rugged and brutal than I anticipated. This was by far the most difficult thing that I have ever done and I could not have finished it without the help of my friends and family.  Thank you doesn’t even scratch the surface, but to all of you who had ANY part in this journey – I appreciate you more than you know!

The Real Victories are in the Mind

Over the past year, I attempted to write numerous posts regarding the mental side of running. I see so many people struggling in the same way that I did and have a strong feeling that I need to share my story so that others know there is hope. This time last year, I was in the throes of a depression that would only get worse before it got better. I think there is a lot of truth to the old saying that you have to hit bottom before you can make your way back to the top. I wanted to share what I was going through even then, but it was so difficult that I couldn’t find words to put onto a page. After I navigated my way out, finding words to describe my journey was still too difficult.

In the midst of it all, I was a MESS. I had zero self confidence. I compared myself to others and, in my mind, always fell short. I believed that I had no talent and no chance of ever being able to compete in this sport, regardless of how hard I worked. Receiving compliments from other runners made me feel like a big fraud. I stopped posting as much about running on social media because I couldn’t handle compliments and felt as if somehow I was misrepresenting myself. I mean, if people had known the truth, they certainly wouldn’t be calling me a “badass”. All this negativity started bleeding into my day-to-day life and I contemplated quitting running altogether However, there was still a tiny spark within me that loved running and being a runner and wouldn’t give up on the possibility of what I “could” be.

At the end of May, I ran one of my biggest mental disaster races to date, but it was the catalyst that I needed to start making a change. I picked up a copy of “The Happy Runner” by David and Megan Roche.  In the book, they describe what a happy runner looks like and with sadness, I recognized a former version of myself.  I wondered how I allowed myself to get to this point. I was so far off base that it seemed like I was completely out of the park. But….there was hope. I had been a happy runner once and I could be a happy runner again. The book challenged readers to answer questions including: Three affirmations, Why do I run at all?, Why do I run each day?, Why am I racing at all?, Why do I have long-term goals?, and to come up with some short-term and long-term crazy, seemingly out-of-reach goals.

I couldn’t answer the questions.  I definitely couldn’t come up with affirmations or big, crazy goals. But I wrote the questions down and continued reading the book. I re-read chapters in hopes that keeping those questions in the forefront of my mind would help me find those elusive answers that I was seeking. In order to do something, I decided to focus on being consistent and talking nicely to myself. To me, consistency meant completing every scheduled workout that I could manage.  I also aimed for consistency within each workout, which gave birth to a new mantra “don’t kill it; be consistent”.  I needed to complete workouts without the pressure of performance.  Training shouldn’t be about performance, anyway.  Training is about getting the body primed to perform. I had lost sight of that fact. As far as talking nicely to myself, that took a little bit of work that required self-awareness.  Slowly, I became aware of my negative thoughts. Being able to recognize those negative thoughts was the precursor to stopping them which was, in turn, the precursor to replacing them with affirmations. Simply focusing on consistency and self-talk began to empower me and resulted in finding joy again in the simple act of running.

As my attitude improved, so did my hopefulness about running.  I still wasn’t in a place to dream big, but I had finally made it to the starting block.  I went back to the book to refocus my brain in hopes of finally finding answers to some of the questions.  By the time I left for Ouray 50 at the end of July, I had answers to all of the questions, except the big, crazy dream.

Ouray went really well.  I didn’t finish but that was OK.  I made huge improvements in my mountain running and made it farther than I had the year before.  I still didn’t see myself as competitive in the trail and ultra scene, but I was becoming OK with just being the best I could be, whatever that looked like.

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Ouray – any day spent in the mountains is a good day

I had a great warm-up for Pinhoti at Sky Island 50k in September and my best race to date at Pinhoti 100.  I didn’t just finish Pinhoti, I raced it. The race was a huge turning point for me as one of my biggest goals was to race a 100, not just finish. My finishing time and place didn’t matter to me that much all because I had accomplished that goal!

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Sky Island – always proud of a bloody knee!

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Pinhoti finish with the crew

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Goal – accomplished!

Pinhoti dealt me a setback, though, in the form of tendonitis in both ankles. The left ankle was ANGRY. It took a good 6-8 weeks to work it all out. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t mentally tested during this time, but I managed to keep myself in a good place. Having a coach as amazing as Greg helped a ton. He is so creative and used this block of time to focus on building strength for GDR, so I was able to continue my workouts but with less running volume to give the ankle some time to settle down.

A week into the second phase of GDR training had me at the start line of Ouachita Swichbacks 50k. I loved the course, but the rocks gave me all kinds of hell. This race exposed weakness in my right ankle. I did not handle the stress of the race well at all and was in a negative space much of the last half. I had reverted to my old habits of focusing on performance rather than the joy of running and I suffered for it. After the race, I struggled mentally.  My brain wanted to stay in that place telling me that I wouldn’t be strong enough by the time GDR rolled around and I questioned my ability to even finish my next race at Cross Timbers.

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Ouachita Switchbacks – DEAD

Despite all the negativity I was fighting within, I continued to chip away at my training, keeping the same focus from last summer: consistency and talking nicely to myself. I started adding another layer of mental muscle when I began reading “It Takes What It Takes” by Trevor Moawad.  I had learned of him in late December and pre-ordered his book which was released in early February. His approach was the perfect continuation in my mental conditioning and the timing was perfect.

The ankle was improving, but I knew Cross Timbers 50k would be  real test. Well, last Saturday, my ankle was put to the test AND IT PASSED! In addition, I paced myself just right, calories and hydration were on point, and my mental approach was spot on. I have never been more satisfied with a race result.  I just happened to come in 1st Female, but my satisfaction has nothing to do with that and everything to do with the way I ran the actual race. I used a strategy that Moawad suggested, which was not saying any negative thought out loud, and I truly believe it helped.

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Before Cross Timbers with my GDR partner in crime

Through this process since Pinhoti, I have achieved yet another goal: “Be a STRONG, CONSISTENT, HAPPY and GRATEFUL runner.”img_4507

 

Pinhoti 100

Way back in the Spring, I registered for Pinhoti 100.  Honestly, I picked this race because a couple of my Team Ninja sisters were running it and I wanted to play in the woods with friends.  Being a point-to-point also made this an attractive race as well as the runnable course, though it had 15,000′ of elevation gain.  One of our group had to drop the race due to injury, so it was down to me and my favorite-est partner in trail-crime, Kelley.  In addition to experiencing this race with Kelley, some of my favorite people in the world were coming along for the ride.  Bobby came to help crew.  He went to Ouray, but that ended sooner than we had hoped so this would be a real test for him to see how he liked the gig.  Baha came to pace me and Greg and Fiona came to crew and pace Kelley.  History was made because it was the first time the Team Dirt & Vert trio have all been together at a big race.img_3738

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I experienced pre-race jitters for a solid two weeks before the race.  I think it was a combination of getting my mental game back on track and not wanting to let Baha down.  Pacing and crewing is a special gift, because it requires taking time away from work and family.  I appreciated Baha being there to pace me and I didn’t take the sacrifice lightly, at all.

When one registers for these events, they seem so far in the future that it is difficult to get your mind wrapped around the reality that you will actually be running ONE HUNDRED MILES.  My mind was still in denial, even after waking up and making the final preparations on Saturday morning.

We stayed near Talladega, which was slightly closer to the finish than the start.  We left in plenty of time to have a bathroom stop and get to the start line with about 30 minutes to spare.  While the weather was clear, it was SO COLD and hanging out, freezing, wasn’t something any of us wanted to do.  We stopped at a McDonald’s on the way, which was the same McDonald’s that the race busses had stopped at not long before us. As Bobby was buying coffee, the cashier mentioned that we had just missed the busses full of “5k runners”.  When Bobby told her that they weren’t running 5k but 100 miles, her jaw nearly hit the floor.  I laughed about that for a good 15 minutes and it was a nice break from the pre-race nerves.

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The whole crew just before the start.

We arrived at the Start at just the right time, only having to stand around for 10 minutes or so.  I was so ready to get going at that point just because I wanted to get warm!  Because everything I read about the race mentioned the “conga line” in the first miles of the race, I didn’t want to start near the back.  I didn’t want to start near the front, either, because I planned to use the conga line to pace myself in the early stages of the race.  Running always feels “easy” when you’re fresh and I knew that I would have even more difficulty holding back because the weather was forecast to be SPECTACULAR.  I endured the line for an hour before starting my move to the front of the pack.  In the spirit of full disclosure, I most likely ran the next several miles too fast, but the legs and lungs felt so strong and I honestly felt like I was running an easy, all-day pace.  Those first 20 miles were nothing but fun, except mile 13 when I rolled my ankle.  I tweaked it pretty hard, but it worked out easily enough and only bothered me going forward when I stepped wrong.  I did a pretty good job of staying on top of nutrition and hydration through these early miles, too.

Having crew is really a game-changer.  I had never run a race in which I had crew rushing from aid station to aid station, but it makes a huge difference in the amount of time spent at aid as well the mental aspect of the race.  I was able to see everyone at miles 6.7, 13.27, and 18.27 before a LONG stretch to mile 42 without them.  I kept thinking how weird it was that they all seemed giddy about how well I was running.  Like, guys….I’m taking it fairly easy out here!

I began to feel a little tired around the 50k mark, but I also think that the long stretch without seeing crew played a role in that as well.  I managed the climb up to Bald Rock just fine, although I hiked most of it.  I was relieved to make the descent down Blue Hell in the daylight, as I had heard many runners discussing that as key to doing well in the race.  After Blue Hell, I found myself at Cheaha Lake, mile 42, but…..my crew hadn’t arrived!  I called Bobby but signal was so terrible that I couldn’t tell if he had understood what I was trying to say.  I joked to myself that I was like Devon Yanko in Billy Yang’s film, “Life in a Day”.  All I really needed was my jacket, as the sun would be setting soon, so I resolved to keep moving fast enough to keep myself warm in my sweaty, long sleeve shirt.  I knew I could make do with the food I had on hand, took a couple extra minutes to eat at the aid station then decided to get on my way.  As luck would have it, I would be on the road for a couple of miles and I ended up passing them as they pulled into the aid station.  Fiona said to me, “You’re 20 minutes ahead!”  I laughed about that for a long time – as if I had one clue whether I was ahead or behind.  The important thing is that I was able to grab my jacket, restock nutrition and keep moving!

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Bald Rock

The Silent Trail section from miles 45-52 was much slower than I wanted.  The sun was beginning to set, the trail was littered with just enough large rocks to keep me from getting in any kind of running rhythm, and there were a ridiculously high number of water crossings.  This section started wearing on me mentally but I was able to make it to the 52 mile aid station still moving pretty well.  The next section was only 3 miles, and at the end of that 3 miles I would see my crew and pick up Baha.  Despite having those carrots dangling in front of me, I struggled to move well through through here. I barely managed to not completely suck, so I guess that I should be happy it wasn’t worse.

The race shifts when you get to pick up your pacer.  You aren’t alone anymore and you’re still feeling halfway decent which makes you care about running strong, whether you feel strong or not.  And having someone who is fresh and chatty helps divert your mind from the fact that your only halfway there.  The next miles clicked away about as fast as they could at that point in the race.  For some reason, I didn’t think I would see Bobby again until mile 85, but he was at mile 68!  That was an unexpected boost, for sure.  From Porter’s Gap at mile 68, we had to make the climb up Pinnacle.  I had asked a runner about that climb early in the race and his assessment was spot on.  He said that the number of switchbacks was what made it hard, that it was more mental than physical, and that most likely people felt it was the most difficult of the race because it was past the 100k mark.  I agreed with all of that.  We managed to make the climb then were able to see crew again at Pinnacle.  Bobby and Greg were both there…wait…Greg wasn’t supposed to be there..he was supposed to be with Kelley.  Bobby told me that Kelley had missed cutoff and was forced to drop from the race.  My heart sank.  I was so sad for her.

There was even more climbing after Pinnacle, WHY DID IT HAVE TO KEEP GOING UP??? The section from Wormy’s Pulpit to Bull’s Gap would quite literally run me into the ground. Those miles from 79-85 were the most difficult of the race, by far.  We were out there in the middle of the night, temps were freezing, the wind was howling, and I was at the point in the race that the pain and fatigue were winning and I COULD NOT stop thinking about Kelley.  It is also likely that I hallucinated here.  I could have sworn that Baha said he was going to the bathroom, so I leaned up against a tree and closed my eyes.  I opened them when I felt Baha staring at me, asked him if he was ready and off we went.  He later denied that he stopped for the bathroom.  <shrugs>  This section really beat me up.  I felt with each step my movement was getting worse.  I was so cold that my legs didn’t want to move.  I was SO TIRED and the pain was starting to get more and more intense. I ended up taking Advil to help with the pain.  Advil is always a last resort and part of me feels like it is cheating, but I take the edge off in order to start moving again. I don’t think I’ve ever been as relieved to arrive at an aid station as I was at mile 85 aid.  Bobby had me sit down in a chair and we were working on taking in calories. Oh! Maybe one reason that last section SUCKED was because I DID NOT EAT ANYTHING.  I know so much, but execute so poorly at times.  I noticed Greg talking to Baha and figured that Baha was telling him how shitty I was running.  (I learned later that Baha was concerned he had pushed me so far that I might DNF, but that was NEVER a possibility in my mind. Baha did tell me later that he and Greg were discussing the actual race and how to keep me ahead of the girl behind me.)  For a moment, I became angry with myself for allowing that last section to be SO BAD.  I quickly stopped the negative talk.  Negative talk certainly wouldn’t get me out of this mess, so might as well STOP.  (HUGE win for me!!)  After talking to Baha, Greg came over and asked me if we passed some females in that last section – um, what?  I DID NOT PASS ANYONE IN THAT LAST, SUCKY SECTION!!! Then I wondered, “WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS STUPID QUESTION?”

My time telling skills were way off by this point, but it didn’t seem like we spent much time at mile 85.  It seemed like we were off again in no time.  We would be running mostly on Jeep roads to the next aid station, 10 miles away.  Baha stopped and asked me for 10 good miles, and I promised I would deliver.  I would have killed myself to give him 10 good miles, especially after that last, sucky stretch.  Luckily, the Advil had taken enough of the edge off that I began moving fairly well again.  Being on gravel roads helped a lot, too.  We had managed 5 pretty awesome miles when I suddenly felt a terrible pain go up the side of my left calf.  I still don’t know what happened, but it scared me to death.  I screamed, and I didn’t even scream when I broke my arm.  Honestly, the pain of that broken bone was nothing in comparison.  I know Baha had to have been worried, but he was so calm.  I tried to walk, but I couldn’t toe-off on that foot.  Initially, I was in panic mode, but that was quickly replaced with “I refuse to walk this thing in BECAUSE IT WILL TAKE FOREVER.”  Luckily, I had kept my poles and it only took a matter of minutes for me to work out a method of running.  We were off again!

We made it to the final aid station at mile 95 and had a “mere” 7.5 miles to go.  I was able to get some more calories in (you guessed it, didn’t eat anything to speak of in that 10 mile stretch) and Fiona rubbed some Runner’s High Herbals on my calf.  And that’s when Greg spilled the beans…..he said something about me being 6th female and 7th place was only 9 minutes back.  Me: “You mean age group?” Greg, “No, overall.” Me: “YOU ARE LYING!!!!”, then “HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??” Soooooo glad I didn’t know that earlier because that would have been A THING for me to get mental about.  At least this way, I only had to fret for 7.5 miles about whether or not she would catch me.  I’LL BE DAMNED IF I LET HER CATCH ME AT THIS POINT.  And off Baha and I went again.

I fell at mile 98 after getting my pole stuck between my legs.  Don’t ask me how because my brain was too far gone to analyze what happened.  I took a moment to whine and whimper.  I really wanted to cry but I think I was too tired.  First my ankle, then my calf, NOW THIS.  I was so freaking tired and just wanted to be done AND THERE WAS SOME CHICK TRYING TO CATCH ME.  Jason told me to take my time….and I am thinking…he was being wayyyy too nice.  Why was he being so nice??? Ok, enough of the pity party.  Get your ass up and GET MOVING.

Even though the remainder of the race hopped on and off trails, they were smooth and easy and mostly DOWNHILL.  We finally got dumped out onto a road where we came across a sign proclaiming, “Pinhoti runners – 2 miles to go!”  I asked Baha if that could be right and while he laughed, I was totally serious.  I wanted to be DONE!  Those 2 road miles seemed like the longest of the race! We finally turned off that road and I saw the back of the stadium and knew that we were home free!

I have such a great feeling of accomplishment tied to this race.  I felt that way about my other two 100 mile races, but this one is even more special.  I ran strong for the majority of the race.  I spent less time and distance walking/hiking even though this race was more difficult that my last two 100s. Point to point races are pretty awesome.  Oh, and Baha paced me to finish as 6th place female – more than I could ever have hoped for!

My crew and pacer made this all possible.  There is NO WAY I would have done this well on my own.  Thank you doesn’t do justice to my feelings of gratitude.  And I am soooo happy that Bobby was able to go and that he actually had a good time!  The experience is definitely more special since I was able to share it with him.

 Until the next adventure!

 

 

 

When the Mountain Wins

“Success is not final.  Failure is not fatal.  It is the will to continue that counts.” ~Churchill

I’ve tried to come up with words for this race and I just don’t have them.  Maybe they will come later; maybe they won’t come at all.  Everything I try to say just sounds like one big excuse.  Everything I try to say sounds really negative and that isn’t the way I usually approach things.  However, I’m going to keep on writing here, negativity and all, because I feel like being raw and honest is the only thing that will get me off this ledge that I’ve been perched on the last couple of days.

I went in knowing a lot of things – knowing that I didn’t have time to sufficiently train, knowing that I wanted to use whatever I got out there as training for Ouray – but when the DNF actually came, none of those things actually mattered.  Our emotions rarely consult with our intellect.

This isn’t my first DNF, but it stings the most.

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My favorite from the race, with my favorites at the race.  PC: Meg Reed

I’ve struggled in the past few days.  As ultra runners, we talk a lot about attempting things that are out of our comfort zone and embracing the prospect of failure, but our actions don’t always match our words.  Mine did.  But now that the “failure” happened, I’m stuck in a negative mental loop.

  • Did I over-reach?
  • Will I ever be strong enough?
  • Am I foolishly chasing something that I can never achieve?

These questions have haunted me and are still haunting me.  I keep trying to redirect my brain to the positives:

  • My climbing is stronger.
  • My downhill is WAY BETTER than at Cactus Rose
  • My footwork and agility have come a long way.
  • I HAVE IMPROVED.
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PC: Trail Racing Over Texas/AJ Stasulli

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PC: Trail Racing Over Texas/AJ Stasulli

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The rewards of a long climb.

I enjoyed most of my time out there, even during the suffering.  Climbing anything, but especially mountains, puts a sparkle in my eye and a spring in my step.  Running in the middle of the night is, hands down, my favorite thing in ultra running.  I think the thing that is most difficult for me right now is that I keep questioning my decision to attempt Ouray again.  Is it really within my reach?  Will I ever be strong enough to gut out a finish on that course?

I need to get my mind right again.  I’m not exactly sure how to do that.  But, for now, I’m going to allow myself to feel defeated.  I’m going to allow myself to feel upset.  I’ll lick my wounds and visualize rising strong like a phoenix from its fire.  Hopefully, when my pity party is over, I’ll be ready to unleash hell on the trails again.

In the mean time, I’ll be focusing on this.  Even though Lone Star was far from Barkley Marathons, this quote from Laz gets me in the feels:

“you all know about the comfort zone.
that’s where most ultras take place.
running ultras is all about staying in the comfort zone.
all our strategies revolve around staying in the comfort zone.
all our advice is about staying in the comfort zone.

“start slow”

“walk every uphill”

“dont take any chances”

for all the talk about exploring human potential, and seeking our limits, ultrarunners tend to play it safe.
they line up “challenges” they know they can finish.
and run them carefully
well within their “limits”.
we believe that success is never failing.

at the barkley success is about over-reaching our abilities,
and living to tell about it.
sometimes success is getting your ass out alive.”
~Lazarus Lake

 

 

Lone Star 100, Here I Come!

“Success isn’t how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started.” ~Steve Prefontaine

This time last year, I was 2 months out from Brazos Bend 100.  I was training for Boston Marathon.  Yet all I could think about was getting out to El Paso to run Lone Star 100 in the Franklin Mountains.  At the time, it seemed like a pipe dream, one that would never come to fruition. I didn’t think I could EVER pull it off because it is firmly in the middle of club volleyball season.  I didn’t feel that I would ever become strong enough to even consider running a race as difficult as Lone Star.  Heck, at the time, I thought Cactus Rose 100 would forever be out of my reach.

2015 Franklin Mountain Trail Run - Pre Race
PC: Trail Racing Over Texas

Here I am, one year later, getting ready to hop on a plane at the end of the week and tackle this beast.  I’m not in the most optimal shape.  Training hasn’t been perfect.  Did I do everything I could to be prepared for this race?  Nope.  But did I do everything I could to be prepared for this race, while still retaining a shred of sanity? Yes.

I have a hard time juggling training and life when we aren’t in club volleyball season, so training for and running a big race during club is quite an undertaking.  Even though the season is still early, the demands on my time have been substantial.  Add to the mix the fact that I took on additional duties at work in January and it’s a small miracle that I even survived.

I am going into this race with a lot of doubt.  Training breeds confidence and I felt like I started taper the second week in January, because, volleyball tournaments.  However, with some reflection I have started redirecting my doubt to three main truths:

  • This race is training for Ouray.  Period.  I knew when I registered that making cutoff would be difficult.  At the time, I acknowledged that every mile and every foot of vertical gain that I am able to get will be good training in the bank.  There is no other place in Texas that I can get this kind of training.  So, even if I don’t finish; even if I don’t make cutoff, I will still have been successful.
  • I’ve come so far in just a year.  Really, in less than a year, because I didn’t get into any “real” trail training until after Boston last April.  I am hard on myself and focus a lot on my weaknesses and how far I have to go.  In recent days, reflecting on how far I’ve come has been rewarding and also confidence-boosting.
  • I find joy on the trails, whether it is in training or racing.  Regardless of the outcome, I will be out there getting some of that coveted dirt and vert.  I’m looking most forward to seeing a couple of sunrises and a sunset out there in the mountains.

    2015 Franklin Mountain Trail Run - Pre Race
    PC: Trail Racing Over Texas

    LS SG
    PC: Trail Racing Over Texas

I can’t close without giving thanks to a few people.  Without a support system in place, I couldn’t consider any type of success in this sport.  My husband, Bobby, has been a great support in this training cycle.  Alli is always understanding of my need to get out on the trails on our off weekends.  And my good volleyball mom friend, Marcy, for being a surrogate mother to Alli this weekend while I’m off playing in the mountains.  Love you all!!

I’m ready.  Franklin Mountains, give me all you’ve got!!

 

2018 Recap – Finding the Positives

2017 was a stellar year for me.  I qualified for Boston in January; ran my first ultra in February; ran my first trail ultra in May and then I worked my way up the ultra distances, culminating with my first 100 mile finish in December.  I was pretty much on a high the entire year and didn’t give myself time to recover between races or process all the emotions that accompany such epic accomplishments.

So, when I found myself feeling a little funk-ish in mid-January, I didn’t think much of it.  I realized that I had asked a lot of my body and my mind in 2017, and it seemed quite normal that I was experiencing a bit of a low.

But the low continued.

I believe in the “fake it ’til you make it” mentality.  I still had Boston on the horizon.  I had to stay in the game.  I continued to train, but couldn’t maintain my usual intense focus.  I felt like I was drifting, without a goal.  Qualifying for Boston was the biggie.  Running Boston was like dessert.  I didn’t expect to run at my BQ pace because I had wanted to check off my first 100 miler more than I wanted to maintain my absolute speed for the road.

I continued to limp through training.  I was still consistent, but not as consistent as usual and I couldn’t manage to find enjoyment in the process like I usually did.

Spring Break came and I needed some trail therapy, BADLY.  I hadn’t been on a real trail since my 50 miler in October, 2017.  I talked my friend, Radkey, into coming with me to explore Cross Timbers on Lake Texoma.  It was amazing and difficult and more than I could have hoped. I was on Cloud 9.  And on our way back, I tripped, fell and broke my arm.

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Radkey & I enjoying the view before “the break”

The break obviously set me back, but my ortho gave me a soft cast and clearance to continue training.  I suddenly felt a renewed focus.  It was almost like I needed the added difficulty to give me a purpose.

Boston came.  The weather was horrible (by other’s standards – it didn’t bother me at all) and I was under trained but I crossed the start line with the intention of enjoying every step of that race.  I did just that.

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Enjoying Boston with my besties!

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Running on Boylston Street was an honor!

After Boston, I made the decision to change coaches.  I loved my coach, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was time for a change. The decision was a difficult one that I agonized over.  In the end, I trusted my gut instinct and made a leap of faith.  I knew that in order to conquer the mountains, I needed someone who knew how to build a mountain runner.

With Boston behind me, it was time to turn my focus back to trails!!  I had Possum’s Revenge 50 miler just 3-4 weeks after Boston and went in undertrainined…again (broken record – story of 2018 so far!).  I ended up struggling toward the end, but there is always some beauty to be found in the misery.  I shared those last miles with someone who was also struggling and we ended up becoming the best trail buds!!

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We had no idea what great buddies we would soon become

With Possum’s behind me, I could now focus on my <foolish> goal of running Ouray 50 miler.  I had an entire 2 months to train for this beast and literally had NO CLUE what I was up against.  But I had a bit of a renewed sense of excitement for training, which was a nice feeling.

I showed up for Ouray knowing that I had slim to none chance for a finish, but I was just there for the challenge whatever the result. I got halfway before missing the cut, but I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything…and I was now IN LOVE with the mountains!

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I can’t wait to go back and finish what I started.

Coming back after Ouray, I had to go right into training for Cactus Rose 100 at the end of October.  However, workouts weren’t going well.  I was fatigued ALL THE TIME and all I wanted to do was sleep.  When I ran I felt wheezy and out of breath.  I couldn’t see any improvement in my fitness despite all the heat training I was doing.  I was becoming seriously concerned that I was suffering from depression.  I had also contemplated whether I was actually cut out for endurance.  It was a dark time filled with a lot of doubt and apprehension.

I had considered Inside Tracker blood testing several times, but had never pulled the trigger.  I decided that the time had come and finally ordered my blood test.  I received the results just days before my next race: Alamo City 50k.  The test revealed that I was severely deficient in Ferritin.  I was overwhelmed with this knowledge, but it was also very freeing.  I FINALLY had a reason for the way I had been feeling!

Alamo City 50k ended up being my worst 50k to date, but I fought through the fatigue, finished and had hope for what was to come. I just had to hang in there and give my body a chance to recover from this setback.

I started supplements very soon after learning about my Ferritin deficiency and the results were almost immediate.  My mood improved, I no longer felt the need to sleep all the time and the BEST thing: I could feel the fitness improving each and every workout!

Cactus Rose was quickly approaching and the dread I had initially felt was replaced with an excitement about getting out there to race.  Plus, my best trail bud had volunteered to come crew and pace!  Tommy knew of my struggle to get back to being myself and deemed that Cactus Rose would be my reset race.

He was so right!!  Cactus Rose 100 ended up being my best race ever!  Thanks to Tommy, the great training provided by my coach and my body getting back to normal, I felt like I finally “raced” a race.  I came out of that event with a renewed confidence in myself.

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Tommy pushed me farther than I have ever been able to push myself.  The experience was a highlight of 2018.

I closed out 2018 by pacing my friend, Brent, to his first 100 mile finish at Brazos Bend 100.  The next weekend, I was able to return the favor to Tommy and crew and pace him at his first 100 mile finish at Loup Garou 100.  Being there, helping him get to that finish line is one of my most rewarding experiences to date!

Counting Blessings

Cactus Rose was more than a restart for me in my racing world – it was a reset for me mentally as well.  Since then, I have started to feel like I am myself again.  Mentally, I am focused and more confident and I am excited about tackling some big challenges in 2019.

For the biggest part of the year, I had negative feelings when I thought about 2018.  But as my health and mental state have improved, I am seeing the year in a positive light.

  • I started and ended the year pacing and crewing.  Focusing on others and helping them achieve their goals is a good way to stay grounded and provides a different and meaningful way to stay connected to the ultra running community.  I wasn’t able to volunteer as much as I wanted in 2018, but the time that I was able to volunteer was extremely rewarding as well.
  • I ran the BOSTON MARATHON.  It was a truly amazing experience that I’ll treasure for years to come.
  • Changing coaches ended up being one of the biggest blessings of the year!  Greg’s training has made me stronger than I ever imagined that I could be and we have just started.  A special bonus is the Team Ninja family that I inherited as a result.  I have grown to love these people as if they were a part of my family.  The camaraderie has enriched my life more than words can describe!
  • My oldest daughter got married and we had a fabulous time celebrating with friends and family.
  • I met my best trail buddy.  We are so much alike it is a little freakish and have wondered if we are twins that were separated at birth.  His friendship has definitely enriched my life!
  • Continuing on through the adversities of the year definitely built some mental callouses that will come in handy in tough times to come.
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    Just some of my Team Ninja family ❤

Here’s to 2019: testing limits and having adventures!

Racing from the flip side: reflections of a pacer

Last weekend, I crewed and paced my bestest trail buddy to his first 100 mile finish.

I LOVE crewing and pacing.  It is completely different from the grind of racing, yet so important to the success of a runner, especially over the course of 100 miles.  Because crew and pacer can make or break the race for a runner, it comes with A LOT of pressure.  And contrary to what many people believe, pacing is NOT about keeping your runner company.

I was so fortunate to have a good friend and fellow Ninja teammate, Kelley Mims, to come along for the fun.  Kelley grew up in Louisiana and loves any excuse to go for a visit.  Plus, she loves trail running as much as me and is always willing to help someone out.  We were also camped next to some Dallas Dirt Runner gals and helped out with them when we could.  We ended up having some hilarious adventures with Ang while all our runners were out on the loop.  I honestly can’t wait until I see her again!!

The race

The race was held at Chicot State Park somewhere in the middle of Louisiana and started at 7AM.  The race was to be 5 loops of 20 miles, with me jumping in at mile 60 to bring him home to the finish.  The weather was cool and overcast, with some misting throughout the day. Kelley and I would soon learn, as Tommy came in off the first loop, that the trails were muddy with standing water in some areas of the course from rains that had moved through during the week.  Kelley and I worked to get Tommy everything he needed so that we could get him back out as quickly as possible. I taped a hot spot, slathered as much Trail Toes as I could get on his feet and sent him on his way.  Tommy was moving well, but I was REALLY concerned about the feet.  It was clear to me that feet were going to be the battle of the day.

Between second and third loop, Tommy was still moving well and looking good.  Kelley had taken one for the team and warmed up his macaroni & cheese with tuna (I COULD NOT warm up tuna. GAG)  I taped a hot spot on his other foot, slathered more Trail Toes on, then on with dry socks.  He also opted to change shoes.  I should have stopped this – I should have made him wait until the start of the 4th loop.  He didn’t have another dry pair with him and I didn’t override my gut on that one.  I’m not sure if it made a huge difference or not, but everytime I reflect on it, I regret letting that happen so early.

Tommy would update us at mile 8 and mile 16 aid stations each loop.  I could tell during loop 3 that it was becoming difficult for him.  He came in at the end of loop 3, 60 miles behind him, looking tired and a little defeated.  But I know from firsthand experience that knowing you get your pacer can pick up the mood, so I was hoping that would help to put a little pep in his step.  We changed his socks (again), and this time there were blisters to attend to.  I did everything I could to make his feet more comfortable, but all day trapsing through mud and water in wet shoes was beginning to take its toll.  Kelley and I were trying to get calories in him as well, but he wasn’t having much of that.

Off we went on loop 4.  The course was fun.  I didn’t think the first 4 miles were nearly as bad as everyone had said, but then again, I was fresh as a daisy and hadn’t been battling the course all day.  Tommy was moving slow.  I had a good idea what battles he was fighting in his mind.  I had to be careful at this point.  I knew we were in that delicate time during a 100 miler when your body is telling you to eff off, you’re off your goal pace and you can’t see any hope in the situation.  I had to keep him in it, but without pushing him to a point that he went over the edge mentally.  I never feel that I handle this part well.  I can troubleshoot your GI issues, take care of your feet and manage all the other moving parts, but I feel like I always fall short in managing the mental state.  In any case, I was concerned.  I knew he was in a bad place, but somehow I managed to keep him eating and drinking and moving.  Now if we can make the feet last 30 more miles….

We came in from loop 4 and I went to work on Tommy’s feet.  Kelley had gone out to pace a runner from Dallas Dirt Runners who didn’t have a pacer lined up, so I was on my own! LOL.  God bless Tommy.  His feet were a mess.  I drained so many blisters…again.  I drained one with blood – I know, I know – but I had to do what I had to do.  I joked that I could do this without issue but warming up mac & cheese with tuna crossed the line.  Tommy wasn’t about to eat anything.  I know how the stomach feels at mile 80, so I didn’t push it too much.  Tommy asked about dry shoes, but we had none.  Oh how I wish he could have worn my shoes, but they were just a tad too small.  We sat for a minute to let him reset, then we were off for the victory lap.

Tommy got cold while we were in camp and wanted to take it slow for a bit to get warmed up.  After the first mile, I was beginning to worried.  We HAD to pick up the pace or we wouldn’t make cutoff.  But suddenly, he started running.  I asked about it and he said that he realized he felt better running than walking.  I’ve been there and know how that feels.  That was all the confirmation I needed to know that I could start pushing him more.  I knew that the key to keeping him moving was to keep him from submerging his feet again.  If I was successful at that and could keep, at least, a slow flow calories in him then I could get him to the finish!  We started making a wide berth around the muddy areas and when I couldn’t find a way around, I would find a way through.  We used logs already laying in place, or I found logs to drag a path across.  I would then wade in so Tommy could grab my shoulder for stability.  I was willing to carry him across on my back, if it had come to that.  With each mile, I could see him becoming stronger physically and mentally.   Come hell or high water, I wanted to get him in under 28 hours.  And he made it 🙂

Tommy ended up crossing the finish in 27:26:42.  I was so proud that my eyes actually got watery.  I was more proud than I would have been if he had hit his original goal of sub – 24.  He experienced the misery that 100 miles had to offer and WON the battle!

Welcome to the 100 mile club, Tommy.  You EARNED it!!